Public Gratitude Journal

Asher (my son) gave me lots of kisses this morning. I love his love.

Waking up feeling a bit down. I went to the cafe below my building to get some studying down and felt grateful it was not busy and it had orange juice Remembering what my friend Laura said, I went to get myself a loaf of bread.. After two break ups in the past 5 months, both happened at my apartment, I often feel sad inside my own apartment. I’m super glad there is a cafe downstairs I can utilize like an extension of my living room. I skipped gym today because I didn’t feel well and I’m giving myself permission to do that. I’m going to sleep after this so hopefully I can get up early to do that tomorrow. I also had a really good wine class today. Learned a lot and hope I can retain most of it. Grateful to have had the scholarship to continue my education. Might go on a date this Sunday. I feel grateful knowing there are people out there who don’t think my schedule is a dealbreaker.

Grateful for an easy and peaceful service tonight. Got ahead on some prep for my coworker even though I'm not a fan of him. I contacted my ex because I realized my favorite tote bags was still at his house. I was just gonna cut my losses, but something urged me to get it back, like wanting the last piece of me back from his sphere of influence. I biked to his house after work. He looked good and told me something he did last week. I tried to act 'normal' and cordial, but really wanted to just run away with my bag. I knew there was a possibility of regressing if I saw him during this bag retrieval. I told myself that unless he asked to get back together, I did not want to stick around for chitchat. I'm not ready, and not sure if I ever will. And you know what, that's ok. I found myself feeling sad after seeing him. I was between negative thoughts of "I want to be with him so bad!" to "Ok, he's not right for me, but I'm also NEVER gonna find someone again!" I'm grateful that my friend Laura offered to retrieve it for me and was there for me after the event. She again, told me exactly what I needed to hear if I could give advice to myself. So so grateful for her existence in my life. I'm also grateful for the guy I went on a distraction date with last week who texted me today to tell me that he met someone he's decided to exclusively date. I didn't feel too bad since I didn't feel that strongly about him, but SUPER impressed by his character. Not only did he seem like a genuine person when we met, but his text gave me also hope that there are still great, polite people out there. Instead of just ghosting me, he let me know. I didn't expect that at all. We didn't have the chemistry but I'm so happy for him! I found myself genuinely wishing him all the best. What a lucky girl! I'd like to continue with this journal without the pressure of a # of days goal, but just to do something healthy for my mind. I'm also setting a new personal goal of going to sleep before 2am. This was gonna be my new year's resolution but the break up really messed that up. I hope to give that another try starting tomorrow. The only reason I didn't accomplish this tonight is because I decided to restore my mental health by doing some late night chores. I put away my laundry, dis my dishes, cleaned the bathroom, the sharpened my knife. The last activity required a bit more time and caused me to go pass 2am. However, it was the activity that gave me to most peace. My old chef always said, sharp knife, sharp mind.

Woot! 10th Day! This completes my 10-day challenge! It's been a super helpful and timely exercise in such a difficult time. Really want to thank everyone who sent over some positive vibes in these past 10 days. Friends, family, and strangers! No, I don't feel 100% myself nor fully recovered from the break up but I am still alive and good things are happening to me. That's all it matters. Today was just going to be an average day. When I got out of the house to go to work today, it was sunny! Made me happy. Work was alright until I spotted a regular with her new baby! Yoko and her husband are regulars at the restaurant I used to work at and are now regulars at my current restaurant! When I left my previous job 6 months ago, she told me she was pregnant, then I saw her once at my new restaurant when her baby bump was really showing. Today, baby was in a stroller! 8 weeks old! So happy for her and her growing family! Such lovely people! Then a few minutes later, an ex-coworker showed up and ate at my new restaurant! We chatted a bit! Ah, so nice to see a familiar face! These two encounters made my average day AMAZING! On my way back home, I walked by a building that smelled of fresh laundry. Sunday night delight! I feel lucky to have caught two ebikes today both to work and back home. Grateful for my cat's unconditional love.

invitation to supper

Today was my dear coworker Jacob's last day. He invited me for sushi after work. He told me that he only invited people whom he thinks he will keep in contact with in the future. I felt very touched. We didn't immediately jive when we got put on the same station together but we wore each other down and we were able to be open with each other not only about work but also personal life. I looked forward to working with him because he always had a very positive attitude. He told me that I took a while to come out of my shell, but we're both glad that I eventually did. Right before my break up last week, Jacob told me that he's been living with a positive HIV diagnosis for a few years now and he lost his mother around the same time. This discovery stayed with me this past week while trying to recover from a break up and I feel inspired by his spirit and attitude toward life. In a time when I feel my heart have been shattered into a million pieces and possibly never finding love again, I remind myself of what Jacob has gone and is still going through everyday. Everything I'm suffering now seem not as a big deal. At sushi, I also met up with another ex coworker whom I have not seen in a while. We shared a ride home and glad we got to catch up. While I still feel sad going home alone and sleeping alone, I try to remind myself that everything else in my life is going well. I still feel optimistic about finding love despite having sparks of hope that my ex would change his mind all of the sudden. I hope the latter disappears with time.